I blame Cory and Topanga for the bulk of today’s failed relationships.
You heard me right. The same two lovebirds you followed all through the 90s before you even knew what a “rusty trombone” was. They are to blame for this generation’s seemingly fucked up view on relationships. I will be the first to admit, I have a tendency to sometimes fall prey to the vicious trap they have unexpectedly set on me and my peers, but looking back as the omniscient presence that I am, I am here to deliver the message to the masses (the word ‘masses’ is used loosely here; I don’t think the SM can be qualified as daily reading just yet). In fact, I honestly don’t think my presumption is that far-fetched. You should already be somewhat agreeing with me.
You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to have the same relationship as Cory and Topanga when you watched Boy Meets World (side note: sorry Oakley, I’m pretty sure you didn’t watch the show since UPN didn’t carry it. And let’s face it, Moesha was more of a slut anyway so I can’t really use her as an example). The main element that comprised their relationship was that it was flawed and tumultuous, but in the end, their love for each other made it all work out. And that’s what it appeared like to all of us buffoons. Love. What is love?
To sum it up for all of you that did not watch the show (Oakley and his…uh…people and anyone who lived in a fallout shelter in the 90s), Cory and Topanga both went to middle school together. They shared their first kiss. They were always in the same class even though sometimes they would not be dating, each knew how they felt for one another. When they were dating, one of them would do something eventually to fuck it up (this was mostly done to keep the show fresh, a charade even pre-teen Armando could see through) but they’d eventually get back together in a grandiose way. Observe.
<Insert 90s sitcom audience AWWWWWWWWWWW>
This is where we go wrong folks. We build up these big images of reconciliation, of catharsis, to help us endure the tough times. We’d rather hold on to a relationship that is clearly crumbling or has crumbled in order to achieve those highs that you have achieved with this person. You desperately cling to this shit relationship, maybe sometimes out of fear of being alone. But sometimes that relationship is just that. Shit. We modeled ourselves as a generation after Cory and Topanga because they were flawed. They weren’t perfect like the Bradys or the Jeffersons (doesn’t really fit, but I’ll throw you something Oak); they were like us. Somehow they made their relationship work, so damnit so will I! I see too many people these days in relationships in which they are unhappy. I don’t know about you, but if something makes me unhappy I tend to avoid it.
Not to get too into specifics because this is not what the SM is about, but I spent upwards of the last two years trying to please this girl that was not having any of it. Nothing I can do was enough and my reaction to it all completely affected my life and led me here. In retrospect, I feel a lot of regret over the poor decisions I made over these years and the friendships that I’ve burnt because of it all, but I’ve learned so much from that. Namely, not too take so much shit from anyone else. I guess a lawsuit does that to you (I won by the way). We build up this notion in our head and try our hardest to hold onto those fleeting great moments, even when they have clearly passed us by.
There’s no better example of this of Ronnie and Sammi from Jersey Shore, who have turned into this decade’s Cory and Topanga, but with more steroid induced fights and smushing. An on-again, off-again relationship *SPOILER ALERT* finally ended this week (or so we think…) with a loud bang. Let’s look at the tape.
Vinnie says it best at the end: “That’s not healthy, enough is enough.” Ah, you have the conch now Piggy. Ronnie and Sammi are what Cory and Topanga are in real life: just a terrible, poisonous situation. Many of you are in one without even knowing it. Be honest with yourself. Are you happy right now? Or are you deluding yourself? If you’re living in the Matrix, I’m pretty sure I just shoved the red pill up your ass which anyone who’s taken pills knows, you’ve just received a whole lot of truth. The onset should be almost immediate and the sensation will last 6-8 hours.
So in conclusion, fuck you Cory Matthews. I modeled my formative years after your sorry ass and it got me nowhere. You polluted our generation with false hopes that will end up in a lot of marriage counseling for most years and, I can assure you, the highest divorce rate this country has ever seen in a few years. For my next few years, I am modeling myself after a better television role model: Kenny Powers. Fuck whoever I want and not worry about the consequences, but know that the right person may be out there. She can wait til after the drugs and sex though.
To all of you that spent this Valentine’s Day with truly the one you care about, I salute you and I wish you all the best. And I hope one day I can have something like that. Today is not that day and I am not going to fool myself into believing it is. So to all of you that spent money on someone who may be out of your life in a few months, or maybe you marry them and have kids that represent the marriage you have come to loathe, or maybe you end up hanging yourself because there is no way out of the trap that you have set, I leave you with this parting gift. Like looking in a mirror isn’t it?