Mein Kampf: A Server’s Manifesto Presents…Stupid Questions

2 Sep

While I would love to try my hand at dumping on hosts and hostesses, I must turn the unrelenting wave of anger and hatred back to you, the restaurant going public.  With this installment in our Mein Kampf: A Server’s Manifesto series I’m going to take a different approach and present you with a Q & A…with some exceptionally stupid Q’s.

A major part of serving is dealing with people, a major part of that is getting really good at being fake nice to people, and a major part of that is learning how to answer all of the ridiculously stupid questions you people ask in a pleasant manner.  Each question has a real answer though, and chances are that when you ask one of the following questions, your server is making fun of you for it behind your back seconds later.  Now; however, the time has come to give you the real answers to your dumb questions.

Q: Where is the bathroom?

A: Right in front of your god damn face! Now this question may seem innocent enough, but let’s examine it a little closer.  For starters, a vast majority of restaurants have their bathrooms in the same spot…in one of the back corners.  If you go to one corner and don’t see it, chances are it’s on the other side.  Secondly, in a lot of restaurants the restrooms are very clearly labeled with a giant sign that reads (wait for it) “RESTROOMS”, shouldn’t be that hard to find.  Finally, roughly 8 times out of 10 when someone asks me where the bathroom is, they’re staring and pointing at the fucking restroom sign while asking.  The rest of the time, people just wander into the kitchen, look around, and wonder why they don’t see any toilets.

Q: Do sodas/iced tea have free refills?

A: No, I’m going to charge you $2.50 for every one of your 7 Diet Cokes you fat idiot.  When was the last time you ate at a place without free refills?  Next Question.

Q:  What’s good here?

A:  What fails to occur to you is that your server probably works close to or over 40 hours a week, and is subjected to the food you’re about to eat four or five days a week.  There’s a 200% chance that I’m sick of the food by now, and don’t think any of it is particularly special.  Anything that I tell you is going to be at least half bullshit, and chances are you’re just going to order what you always do anyway because you’re a pussy.

Q:  I’ll have the (insert anything that isn’t on the menu).

A: Ok, so that isn’t technically a question, but it’s arguably more stupid than the first two points that I have addressed so far.  You can not, and I can’t stress this enough, you can NOT go into a restaurant and make your own fucking meal.  Restaurants have a set menu for a reason.  One of the most annoying things you can do is just order things without even looking at the menu.  Don’t order a raspberry iced tea and an orange soda (who the fuck carries orange soda, anyways?) before looking at the beverage list.  Don’t go into a steakhouse and try to order a turkey sandwich.  Don’t go into a Chinese place and try to order a bacon cheeseburger.  If it’s not on the menu, we aren’t going to make it for you so don’t even bother.

A couple of side notes for that last one…Don’t tell me that “we had it the last time we were here” or “you guys have done it before”.  I can tell you right now that I know that you’re full of shit, trust me, I know how we do things in my place of employ.  Also, don’t go out to eat assuming that you’re going to get shit for free and then act upset when you don’t…just because a some restaurants give out bread or chips and salsa doesn’t mean every restaurant does, and you come off as trashy when you ask for stuff like that.

Q: Where is my food/why is it taking so long?

A:  This one takes the stupidity cake.  Asking your server anything about your food is NOT going to make it come out faster.  I have NO control over how fast your food comes out, that’s entirely up to the kitchen and the food runners.  Asking me to check on your food is going to accomplish absolutely nothing other than aggravating me because now I have to go in the kitchen and waste my time pretending to give a shit.  Don’t tell me how long you’ve been waiting, because I know you are severely exaggerating (the tickets have the times printed on them).  When it comes down to it, and this may break some of your hearts, your food is no more important than anyone else’s.  Food usually comes out of the kitchen in the order that it was sent in (some things just take longer to cook), and I’m not going to “rush” your food just because you ask or lie to me and tell me you are in a hurry.  If you aren’t capable of enjoying yourself while waiting for your food then you should find new friends or just stay at home altogether.

Well then, I hope this has enlightened at least some of you…and always remember, if you don’t know how to tip 20% then don’t go out to eat.

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